


Suffocating

by KateCake



Category: Sonic the Hedgehog - All Media Types
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, M/M, one-sided
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:27:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27395701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KateCake/pseuds/KateCake
Summary: Sonic's thoughts about dealing with his crush on Tails. Aged up.(A companion piece to "Drowning" by SaberTail on FFN.)
Relationships: Miles "Tails" Prower/Sonic the Hedgehog
Comments: 11
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Why is all the SonTails pure smut????? ;A;  
> I want more fluff ~~I say as I write angst~~
> 
> [Anyways here's the link to "Drowning" which inspired this fic.](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10658910/1/Drowning)

You worry about people paying too much attention. You've done a good job of portraying yourself as a touchy-feely kinda guy, but sometimes you still slip up. Sometimes it's hard to hold back. It builds in your chest, all these feelings, with no proper outlet. They build like a gust of wind, ready to blow everything away. But you hold back. You weigh it down. It weighs you down, too. Sometimes you think it's easier to just let the wind howl.

But you don't.

You can't.

This isn't some romance movie where the girl who fell in love with her best friend gets to live happily ever after. You wonder if that ever happens in real life.

You wonder if maybe one of you was a girl if it would work out like one of those movies. It would be so much simpler if it did. But you feel bad thinking that. Y'know how much Tails hates when someone points out how he sometimes looks a little girly.

That's probably why you don't like romance movies. They just serve to remind you of what you can't have.

But that just makes you more grateful of what you do have. You have his unwavering friendship and loyalty, and he has yours. You make sure he knows how much he's appreciated, how much _you_ appreciate him.

You hate how the media decides to gloss over him in favor of you. They don't realize just how essential he is to a plan working out. That's why you try to go out of your way to tell him how good he did, how smart he is, how useful he is. How amazing he is.

Even if the media did notice how amazing he is, you'd still worry. Would they figure out how you feel? And if you were together (a hidden fantasy you try not to think about) what would they say? It's something that gives you needlessly anxiety. Tails being a guy would be the least of your problems. He's still five years younger than you. They'd say you _groomed_ him. ~~Sometimes you can't help fearing that you unintentionally did.~~

Tails asks you about Amy once. You panic. You lie. You're scared. Logically, you know he wouldn't think any differently of you if he knew you liked guys, but you're still scared of the slim chance. You make up a lie about wanting to stay free like the wind. About worrying the rumors will gain a life of their own. But you're just a dirty liar.

Sometimes it's fine, but other times it makes you feel sick. How could you just lie like that? He trusts you with his life yet you lie to him.

You try to push those thoughts out of your mind. Ignore the wind collecting in your chest. You try to enjoy the moment. A quiet bit of respite from everything. Just the two of you.

It's times like these that you like that you're generally a touchy-feely person. Your friends don't have a problem curling up next to you when watching tv or movies. Specifically, you like when Tails does it. Especially when it's just the two of you.

That's when you can let yourself pretend. Pretend that nothing matters. Pretend that you're something more.

It's easy when Tails is half laying on you. The feel of his fur against you is intoxicating. You love it. ~~You hate yourself.~~ Just the two of you enjoying your time together. Together in spite of the world.

You feel him shift, press a little more into you. You feel your heart leap. The wind builds in your chest.

He shifts again and you've completely lost interest in whatever you're watching. You bask in the feel of him. How relaxed he is around you. How comfortable he is around you.

Another movement and he's practically on top of you. You want nothing more than to grab him, hold him, and never let go. You restrain yourself. The rush of emotions threatens to overtake you. You hold it back. You ignore how holding back the whirlwind steals your breath. How it feels like you're suffocating despite all the air.

"You okay, buddy?" You ask in an attempt to regain your breath. "You're being a little clingy tonight." It tastes wrong coming out of your mouth.

The bitter taste turns sour when Tails completely moves away from you. "Oh… uh. Sorry," he says practically curling in on himself.

You try to reassure him, tell him it's fine, but hesitate. Does he suspect anything? Is he uncomfortable because you let him lay on you without his realization?

You feel the exhilarating whirlwind in your chest turn vicious. He has to be uncomfortable. You never let him get this close when your other friends are around. He probably noticed. Why else would he be so hunched in on himself? Why else would his ears be so flat? His gaze trained on the floor.

"You sure you're okay, buddy?" You ask, hoping to fix your mistake.

He nods, not looking up.

"Stop lying." The whirlwind gets more violent. _Hypocrite_ , it screams as it steals all the air from your lungs.

"I'm fine," he says looking up but not quite meeting your gaze. "I'm just going to hang out in my room for a bit. Read a little."

He smiles at you. You feel your chest tighten. That's the smile he uses on Amy and Knuckles when they accidentally insult him.

You look away, unable to face that smile. You never thought you'd be the recipient of it.

You hear him walk away and it's like you suddenly can't breath.

This was supposed to be a simple night in. A nice night in. Instead you ruined it.

You leave the tv on and go for a run. It's the closest you can get to appeasing the whirlwind in your chest; matching the wind around you to the wind inside you. You only wish doing so could help you breathe.

You've found recently that it's gotten harder to breathe around Tails. You wish you could show him how amazing you really find him, but instead you run. You run to clear your mind. To make yourself too tired to think. Too tired to fantasize. Too tired to breathe. Not like you could breathe easy to begin with. You're tired of suffocating, but it's the burden you've wrought.

So you run and you smile and you lie and you suffocate.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry abt the mess in the comments of the first chapter; I couldn't help myself haha ^^; smth abt trolling is just so fun.

You return from your run to see the tv still on. A clear sign that Tails hasn't left his room. You frown.

You'd been gone a while, long enough for the sky to get dark. It worries you. You feel your shoulders slump. You probably went too far tonight; made him too uncomfortable. You need to do something to start fixing this. Maybe some food will be a good peace offering.

You set about making something. Something simple, something you know he'll like. You settle on cheesy noddles with bacon. You're half way through cooking when the alert system pings. You go to check and find a _Moderate Level_ alert.

Checking the details, while being careful not to burn the food, you cringe. Eggman looks to have set up in the middle of the ocean.

An idea strikes you. Maybe if simple food won't be a good enough fix ~~because why would it?~~ , going on a good old fashion adventure will surely set everything right! You're thankful for Eggman– something you _never_ thought possible– for giving you this opportunity.

You plate up the food, your confidence restored, and make your way to Tails' door. There's a worrying pause between you knocking and him answering, but you're simply glad he answered at all.

"I brought you some food," you say with a friendly smile. He looks tired, and he's squinting at you like he's not used to looking at things far away any more. You glance behind him to try and maybe see what he was working on, but you're met with darkness. "Dude, why are you sitting in the dark?"

"What?" He asks glancing behind himself. "I… uh… didn't notice. Busy and all."

You try not to frown. Sure that happens sometimes, but usually he's more excited about his creations when it does. You ~~purposefully~~ don't think as you grab his hand and pull him out of his doorway. "Come on man. Eggman decided to rear his ugly head again." Maybe a change in focus will help too.

He squints against the onslaught of light. You can't help finding his expression adorable. "What?"

You make him sit at the table and put the food down in front of him. "Eggman decided he wanted to take over the world again or something," you say taking your own seat at the table. You show Tails the alert. "Set himself up in the middle of the ocean this time, like that ever really stops us. You'd think he'd remember the Tornado exists every once in a while, y'know?"

He finally starts eating and you smile. "Geniuses sometimes look over the finer details," he shrugs.

"Well, you don't and you're the smartest person I know," you say easily; because it's true. Tails is a genius too and he never overlooks the smaller details.

He doesn't reply, so you're content with letting him finish eating. You try not to stare too much, but this is already a good sign. Going on this adventure will surely set everything right again.

Once he's done eating, you're on your feet ready to drag him away. "C'mon, man! I don't like Egghead getting cocky. That's my job."

He laughs, light and easy. "Alright, alright, already. I'll be right there, just let me grab some stuff."

You beam as you let him go. He seems to be alright. This looks like its going to be a good ol' Sonic 'n Tails adventure!

\--

You love the Tornado. Even when the others tag along on an adventure, riding the Tornado means it's only you and Tails for a short while.

Tails seems to be back to normal too. It makes you happy, but it's also a reminder of why you don't say anything. You'd rather lose the ability to run than lose this; lose what you already have with him.

"Are we there yet?" You whine. The ride is long, but you don't mind. You only complain because it's expected of you.

Much to your disappointment, Tails answers, "Yes."

You sit up from where you were laying across the top wing of the biplane. You look over the edge to see the a red and orange smudge amidst the ocean. Eggman's base.

Tails tilts the plane into a dive and you feel your adrenaline start to spike. It's showtime!

You're off the plane before Tails can even start planning to land.

The security of the base is laughable. They're all cannon fodder 'bots. There aren't even a lot of them. You're in the base before you even know it.

You work your way further into the base– further into the island– clearing floors as you go. You become more apprehensive the more floors you clear.

There aren't nearly as many badniks as there should be. The alarms aren't as loud as usual. There are no announcements or anything.

You reach the bottom floor. Something is definitely wrong.

_"You're becoming predictable, Sonic."_

You whirl around to face Eggman. Instead, you're met with a screen showing Eggman's smug face on it.

" _You've_ _done_ _exactly what I expected you to_ ," Eggman continues. " _My only regret is that I won't get to see your demise_."

You look around as a serious of loud thunks resound. Blast shields have fallen into place blocking all the doors.

" _Goodbye, Sonic_."

You spot what looks like a vent. You don't hesitate throwing yourself as it. The grate gives way and you roll through. Faintly, you can still hear Eggman's echoes as you navigate through the vents.

" _It has been a great displeasure._ "

It's hot. Too hot. There's so much heat. You can't hear anything. There's only a ringing noise and nausea.

You struggle to catch your breath. It's hard to catch your breath. It burns. _You_ burn.

Blue. You're surrounded by blue. Why is there so much blue? What happened to all the greys? The steel? Everything kind of hurts too now that you think about it. You wrack your brain but can't come up with a reason for why everything hurts. Maybe you can ask Tails. He's sure to know. He knows everything.

Oh, right. Tails.

Tails was with you. ~~You love Tails.~~ Where is he? Why isn't he with you? ~~You love when he's with you.~~

Oh! There he is. He looks sad. He shouldn't look sad. Tails should never look sad. You should make sure Tails isn't sad.

You try to comfort him. So what if you're in pain, Tails is more important. You want him to smile, not cry. You love him too much for that after all.

Yeah. ~~You love him.~~ Your best buddy. ~~Your Love.~~

\--

Everything hurts.

Where's Tails?

It's too bright.

It's too loud.

Where's the noise?

There he is.

You're tired.

\--

You were in a hospital. Things make more sense now.

You know why everything hurts. You know why Tails looks like he hasn't slept in days. You hate Eggman for doing this to you. You hate ~~yourself~~ Eggman for putting Tails through this.

You try to be compliant. It's hard though. You need help doing basic things. Even walking hurts.

You welcome rest more than usual. You're always tired. You need the rest.

Tails is crying. Why is he crying? "I love you," he says.

Confused, and a little worried, you instantly reply, "I love you too, buddy," even if you love him as more than a buddy.

"No, no," he shakes his head. "I. Love. You."

Oh...

You want to smile, but it's too hard to.

You blink awake a little disoriented. Not entirely sure of where you are or what time it is. The one thing you are sure of, though, is that dream you had. No. A _memory_. At least you're sure it's a memory.

Your thoughts race through your head. They're as unruly as the whirlwind in your chest. You look around and spot Tails. He's reading a book by lamp light. He looks completely relaxed, so beautiful.

You trip over your words; the whirlwind too harsh for you to properly catch your breath. "When you said you loved me…" The words are hard to get out. You're excited. You're scared. You push the words out anyways. "Did you mean it? I mean was that a confession?" You try not to talk too fast, but the storm in your chest wants to rush forth. "I was sort of… well not _dying_ , but that kinda wasn't the best situation."

Tails is frozen, completely rigid. He fidgets nervously with his book, not looking up. "Uh..."

You watch as he marks his spot on the book. You try to give him time but you can't. You need to know for sure.

"Well...?" You prompt.

He jumps, startled. "N-no of course not. You were sort of– you were in danger. I panicked." He looks everywhere but at you. "I-I mean, I _do_ love you, but… you're my best friend. It's different."

The wind has turned into a torrent. You can feel it tearing through you, forcing it's way out. You desperately try to keep it contained. "I love you, too," slips out against your will.

Tails stops fidgeting. He still won't look at you. He nods, a jerk of the head, and turns the lamp off.


	3. Chapter 3

You're not entirely sure if that night happened. It seems too strange to have been real, so you act like nothing happened. You're almost convinced nothing did happen. You heal up just fine and everything goes back to normal.

Almost.

It's weird around the house. Like there's too much air. Sometimes not enough. It's weird to describe. Tails seems more distant.

That night comes back into your mind more often. The night you confronted Tails. The night you told him you love him.

You keep trying to act like it never happened. Like you didn't tell him anything. It's hard, though. You see where you fall short. You try not to, but you second guess yourself. You second guess yourself a lot lately.

You watch Tails more now. You try to gauge his reactions to you; decipher how he feels about you at any given moment. You're both practically back to normal and you don't want to overstep. You try to keep up the act. You try not to let him know you're afraid. But you still slip up.

He catches you staring one too many times. "Sorry," he says quietly.

You startle. "For what?"

He doesn't look at you as he gets up from the couch. "You know what," he mumbles retreating to his room.

You sit there, still a little stunned, as he walks away from you. Your chest hurts. The rushing wind turns to white noise. It threatens to drown out your thoughts. You feel like you can't breath.

That night comes back into your mind. He lied. He _did_ mean it. But... He's still uncomfortable.

He's uncomfortable with _your_ feelings. He doesn't like that you love him. He doesn't like that you're so much older than him.

You keep trying to act like normal, but it's so much harder now. The wind is harsher. You can't catch your breath in this whirlwind.

You try not to crack. Not in front of him at least. You end up avoiding him after a few days. But it's still hard to breathe. You're suffocating in your own home. So you leave. You run until your legs burn, and then you keep running. You chase the wind but still can't breathe.

You try not to think about Tails, but that's all you can think about. The one person you would do anything for. The person you love. The lifelong friendship you ruined.

Eventually, you do crack. You can't stand being away from him. You miss him too much. You miss his smile. His laugh. His wit. All his quirks.

He's not happy to see you. He slams the door on his way out.

The wind turns into a torrent. It moves too fast for you to catch your breath. The wind is so harsh it stings your eyes. You try not to break. It's so hard not to. You're careful as you try to breathe. You won't let yourself break.

There's loud slam and suddenly Tails is in your arms. He's bawling as he yells at you. He's angry with you for leaving like you did. For making him worry something happened to you.

You hold him. You don't let him see the few tears that slip out. You apologize for leaving. You promise you'll never do it again.

You push him away soon after, though. He'll thank you later for it. You grit your teeth and excuse yourself to bed.

You hate yourself for doing this to him. He doesn't like being around you, but he can't be without you. He's still so young. It has to be your fault he feels like that. You've always worried that you would unintentionally groom him. Now you have proof your worries were justified.

You should have stayed away. Let him grow on his own. Stopped making him dependent on you. But that selfish part of you holds on to his tears and his pleas that you never leave him again.

You hate yourself for it, but you decide to stay.

You've stop pretending now. You don't act like everything's back to normal because it's not and never will be. The air is heavier in the house, like there's too much. But you still feel like there's not enough and you're still suffocating.

You become hyper vigilante. You want to stay firmly behind the line. But that means you watch more and he catches you watching more. He always shifts a little when he catches you. Like he's worried about something. It makes your chest clench painfully every time. So you apologize every time. You make sure to meet his eyes when you do. You want him to know you mean it. That you're not trying to make him uncomfortable on purpose.

It's a lot harder when you're around your other friends or in public. You two are too well known for being close friends. _You're_ too well known for being a touchy-feely kinda guy. That means, around Amy, you're best friends, and around Knuckles, you're absolutely inseparable.

But no matter how much you pretend, how hard you act like nothing's wrong, you can't pull it off. You get curious looks from them, innocent questions. You deflect them as best you can. You deflect them for as long as you can.

You get into a fight with Amy. Knuckles punches you in the face. Pretending gets harder after that. So instead, you start avoiding Amy and Knuckles too.

It hits you a few days after, when Tails catches you staring again, that you've isolated yourself and Tails from your other friends. You've trapped him with you.

You feel something in you finally crumble and break. It startles you a little, how audibly you can hear yourself break. It's not until Tails comes over with a broom that you realize the sound was the plate you were holding. It lays shattered at your feet.

Sighing, you take a seat on the counter. You don't say anything as Tails cleans your mess up. He grumbles under his breath as he does it, and it sends a pang through your chest. It's such a Tails thing if hurts.

You try to say something as he dumps the shards in the trash, but you panic and bail last second. Tails is quick to shrug it off and go about his business. You take one final, chocked, breath and finally force some words out. "I miss you..." you say quietly, "a lot."

You see how Tails' shoulders slump slightly. "Yeah... I miss you, too."

"I'm sorry I bailed a couple weeks ago. That was…" Awful. Horrible. Absolutely vile. "wrong."

"It's fine," he replies instantly.

You can't help the laugh that escapes; a brief, dry, bitter chuckle. The fact that Tails has to so obviously lie to you shows just how _not-fine_ everything is! It hurts, and you hate this wind for making your eyes sting! But even if it hurts you, you still owe him an explanation. It may be too late, but he deserves one anyways. "I..." You pause, not sure how you want to continue. You push forward anyways. "I was really confused, that's why I took off. I still am, I guess."

"You aren't sure how to feel about me, huh?" Tails asks turning to face you. "About what I feel."

You're startled by his words. Does he not know? Did he not realize you were serious when you confessed that night? A night that feels so long ago.

You open your mouth to say something. To try and salvage this mess you've made. To pretend–

Everything dies on your tongue. You used to be able to lie about your feelings all the time, but you've lost the ability. You get off the counter, needing to stand, but you're so unsteady you end up leaning against it. "This is so messed up," you mumble to yourself.

"I know... I'm sorry-,"

"Don't!" You cut in. "That's not..." You won't let him apologize for something that isn't his fault. "T-that's not what I meant…" You won't let him blame himself for your mistakes.

"Are you confused about how…?" He asks cautiously. "Why? Well, I can't really say either."

You drum your fingers against the cabinets. You're getting antsy. "N-not exactly..." You say when it's clear he's waiting for a response.

"Then what?" He asks. _Pleads_ really.

You wanna run. You want to flee. It's all you can do to stay where you're standing.

But you have to explain yourself. Explain to him why you let everything get so messed up.

"It isn't..." You start but no. That's not a good way to start. So you try again: "You shouldn't..." you instantly cringe. Saying _you shouldn't feel like that_ would sound worse. " _I_ shouldn't," you settle on and instantly realize you still don't know what you're going to say.

"Shouldn't what exactly…?" He prods.

You want to pace but there's not enough room in the kitchen. You need to run, get rid of all the extra energy, chase the wind and finally catch your breath.

You're at the doorframe before you even realize you were already on your way out.

You shake your head. You _need_ to get this out. You can't keep running if it just keeps hurting him. You try to take a deep breath, but there's still no air to breathe. Instead, you force out some of the wind tearing through you. "I shouldn't..." you grab onto the doorframe for support, " _feel_ this way about you." You glance at the hallway and get the urge to just run away again. Instead you force yourself to look back at Tails. You can't bring yourself to look up from the floor. "I shouldn't love you like I do. _It isn't right_."

You wait with baited breath. You can't see his reaction and you can't decide whether that's better or worse.

"You... You mean it?" His voice sounds so small.

"Yeah," you breath wryly. "But Tails… We _can't_. It's wrong. _Creepy_ even." He's barely eighteen. You shake your head. "Man, I'm such a creep."

"Sonic... I don't–,"

"You don't really care," you say coming to the realization. So many little things click into place that you should have expected that. In hindsight it was kind of obvious. "I've seen the way..." you shake your head, unable to really finish the sentence. "It's weird," you insist instead, "wrong."

He approaches you and you freeze, like a wild animal caught in a corner. You tighten your grip on the doorframe to keep yourself from running. "So," Tails starts, taking your free hand in his. "We wait a year then?"

You look up sharply. "That isn't the issue! I don't want..." You trail off seeing the look in his eyes. The openness and sincerity in them strike at you. "I don't want to take advantage of you," you finally admit.

"I'm asking for this, Sonic," he says. "I want to… date you. To be your boyfriend, whatever. As long as you want it too."

The sincerity of his voice hurts. It's more of a reason why you shouldn't.

He seems to realize you're not entirely convinced. "Look, I know you would never, ever do that."

"If I hurt you, I'll regret this," you tell him. Because no amount of happiness is worth hurting him. Not with how much you've already done so.

"And that's how I _know_ ," he insists. "I know you won't hurt me. You won't take advantage. You care too much about me."

You can't help smile faintly. Despite everything that's happened, he still has so much faith in you. "I'll still be five years older than you," you remind him. "It'll be weird. People will think _we're_ weird."

"Does that matter really? This doesn't feel weird to me." He shifts his hold on your hand. Your Heart leaps into your throat as he fits his fingers between yours. "What do you think?" He offers you an encouraging smile, and it's easy to smile in turn.

You let out a breathy laugh and shake your head. "I can't believe..." You trail off with another shake of your head. "I _cannot_ believe."

Gone is that nervous little kid that would follow you around on adventures. In his place stands a self assured young man.

You give in and hold his hand back. If he has that much confidence, then you'll trust in him. "We can..." you try to say past the lump in your throat.

"We can try it," he suggests.

You nod despite your nerves. "But... Slowly?" You ask even though it goes counter to everything you are.

He laughs, a wide smile on his face. "Slowly," he agrees.

You feel a rush of air enter your lungs. The whirlwind has quieted and it feels surreal. For the first time in forever it doesn't feel like you're suffocating. And even if you're not ready for everything, you're content to know you can at least hold his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank y'all for reading!
> 
> [And again don't forget to read "Drowning" by SaberTail! Without their amazing story this wouldn't exist! ](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10658910/1/)


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